I am not feeling beneficent, so be warned.
1. What's the deal with St. Patrick's day? Although Jewish, I can understand Christmas as an ecumenical, present-swapping occasion; I can even understand Easter as a celebration of spring and fertility. But St. Patrick's? It's a goddamned saint's day! I, too, love the Irish, but why should I care about their patron saint? I don't want my MSN homepage to put up a green background and a four-leaved clover next to the date in honor of St. Patrick's! Does anybody in Ireland celebrate the 4th of July? I mean, come on!
2. The Atkins diet strikes me as one of the most unbelievably ridiculous fads ever. Even worse than mullets, for, while sporting a mullet could only have harmed you in the event of coming upon somebody with a sense of style and a violent behavior problem, eating lots of meat and no fiber is a guaranteed way to screw up your GI tract. Because the Atkins diet pisses me off, I have decided to perform a futilely heroic gesture: I pledge to eat one big, delicious, carb-and-sugar packed chocolate biscuit every day until I stop noticing Atkins products in the supermarket. I shall set up a guestbook for anybody who wishes to do the same and desires to share their experience.